Why I’m sick to death

So I haven’t posted in a little while which isn’t what I was planning but I forgot to take my anti depressants which kind of keep me being able to function, I still haven’t took them but I thought it’d be best to write a post before I go back on them.

At the moment I feel like my life is falling apart, I never leave the house unless forced both physically and mentally which has been fucking with me. I think I’m going slightly mad haha.

I got ‘told off’ by an admin of an autism group on Facebook for posting my blog links too any times (3 times over 3 weeks) which kind of sucks I didn’t think I’d be annoying anyone and I’m sorry if anyone’s taken a dislike to me.

I’d like to think I present myself as fine and well but I don’t think that’s been the case this week, I’ve been constantly nervous every time there’s a bang or knock at the door which isn’t the best around Halloween and bonfire night. I feel like a fucking dog, someone please calm me the fuck down.

I don’t know what I’m meant to talk about on here and I’m not entirely sure why I decided to start this at the moment but I’m sure once I take my happy meds’ I’ll magically remember and then everything will be as good as gold.

One thing I’ve been super sick of this week is seeing people talk about how neurotypical people are the enemy (people who aren’t autistic). They aren’t the enemy, a lot of them are really amazing people and all of my best friends are people who don’t have autism, I love them and they’re the best most understanding people I’ve ever met. I’m sure there are people who are neurotypical who do hate people with autism but it’s so wrong to label everyone who isn’t autistic under one label.

I just wish everyone could be more open minded.

I’m sorry for this kind of fucked up blog post I’ll be back in my place soon don’t worry.

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Don’t speak (I know just what you’re saying)

I’ve had to tell a lot of people that I’m autistic in the last few months, most people have just said ‘okay’ and got on with their lives, however there are some things I’m sick to the back teeth of hearing and that’s what this post is going to be about. I thought I’d talk about things that a lot of autistic people are sick of hearing as well as why people think these things about those who have autism.

Before I start though please don’t be worried if you’ve ever said any of these things to a person with autism, most of them aren’t offensive, just a little bit annoying after the tenth time of hearing them. I’m also sorry if I use the wrong phrasing at any point in this post.

1. ‘You don’t look/act autistic’

This is the most common one, I completely understand people who have this reaction. If you look at representations of people with autism in the media you’ll see the basics are there: the need for routine, self stimulation behaviour (stimming), meltdowns, special interests etc. They’re normally all there, just extremely overdramatised. In a lot of media representations of people with autism they appear to have no feelings or empathy and to be dangerous and volatile if their routine isn’t adhered to.

So if you were to meet someone who had autism and your only knowledge was over dramatised media representation but the person in front of you appeared to be just like any average person on the street I’m sure you’d be a little shocked.

However this can be offensive to those who have autism as it could be taken to mean that you aren’t taking their disability seriously, which happens far too often with invisible illness and disabilities. It can also be took to mean that looking or acting autistic is a bad thing, which isn’t true as autism is a disability just like any other.

Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

2. ‘So you’re really good at maths and science then?’

No, I’m really not. I’m pretty average at maths and I’m really bad at science, how about you?

This one also comes from media representation. It is often shown that those who have autism are extremely intelligent, especially when it comes to maths and science. It is true that a small number of people with autism are savants (A savant is a person who has detailed knowledge in a specialist field, I literally just learned this term from google don’t shoot me if I’m using it wrong) and some have higher than normal IQs, some have normal IQs, some have cognitive disabilities and some, like me, just really don’t like maths or science.

It’s almost like we’re human beings or something.

3. ‘Would I be able to talk to your carer? Or a parent?’

This one is the worst for me. It’s only happened maybe a couple of times but it’s always during a phone call and it’s always a nightmare. I can’t always make my own phone calls because of my social phobia so sometimes my girlfriend will do it for me, she isn’t listed as a carer or anything like that she’s just down as a person who can discuss things regarding me, a bit like when you’re young your parents can talk to the doctor about you. When I do make my own phone calls I’m extremely nervous and sometimes get a bit confused if the person on the other end bombards me with questions or talks too fast. So imagine my despair when I explain that I get nervous on the phone so would the lovely man from the internet company please talk a little slower because I can’t understand what he’s asking me for him to say ‘look do you have like a parent or a carer or someone I can talk to?’ No I don’t, I can talk for myself please just make like Gary Barlow and have a little patience.

This basically comes down to knowledge as well, if you’re trying to do your job and you come across someone who you’re not quite sure how to deal with you would probably think that it would be easier to speak to someone related to them so that you can have a better understanding of their needs as well as get the job done a bit quicker. I think when people say this or talk to people with you about you like you aren’t there, especially in social situations, they think they’re doing the right thing and making things easier for you.

When this happens however it just serves to make me more nervous and puts me off ever ringing that place again. I can completely understand the reason why people with autism get so pissed off when they’re asked this, if we wanted you to talk to a carer or parent that’s who you’d be talking to. Just because someone has a disability doesn’t mean that they’re unable to do anything for themselves.

I might have a meltdown every so often but I can definitely answer some quick questions regarding my internet supplier, I probably just don’t want to.

4. ‘What is it like to be autistic?’

When someone asks me this I don’t get offended or annoyed, I get frustrated with myself. It’s so hard to answer this question because whatever I answer that person might think that all autistic people are how I describe my personal experience and I wouldn’t want that to happen because we’re all extremely different. We all look and act and talk and walk different. There are places online that give basic definitions of what it’s like to be autistic and there are lots of brilliant blogs and videos and articles by people with autism about living with this disability that I strongly urge you to look up if you’re curious about it.

Another reason that this is so difficult for me to answer is because, even though I was officially diagnosed when I was 20, I’ve been autistic my whole life. To me (and probably most other people on the spectrum) my behaviours and thought patterns are completely usual. So asking me what it’s like to be autistic would be like asking an Italian person what it’s like to be Italian.

Basically it’s clear that although knowledge and understanding of autism has improved greatly in the last few years it’s important that it keeps improving because at the moment a lot of people are only aware of severe forms of autism in children when there is, literally, a whole spectrum for this disability.

I hope all of this has made some sort of sense, I just wanted to touch on some of these topics as I’ve seen a lot of these ‘things not to say to autistic people’ things floating around and I think it’s always a good idea to think about why people are saying these things in the first place because there’s no smoke without fire 😊😂

Tasha x

Second times a charm (maybe)

Okay so today I’m going out for a meal so I decided now might be a good time to talk about something I absolutely hate.

Eating in public, or eating in front of another person. It can be anyone it doesn’t matter if it’s someone I just met or someone I’ve known since I was born, there’s nothing more embarrassing than having to eat in front of another person.

I’ve been this way for as long as I remember and I hate it. It’s caused me so much stress and anxiety throughout the years, imagine feeling like the worst thing possible is going to happen, a horrible feeling of impending doom, that’s how I feel when I have to eat in front of someone else.

Of course there’s exceptions to this, I can eat in front of my girlfriend most days but we spend almost every day together so if I didn’t eat in front of her I wouldn’t eat and I just want to be clear this isn’t part of an eating disorder, however I’m sure it could be classed as disordered eating 😂. If I eat with my girlfriend we have to have the TV on if possible and I don’t like to talk while we eat usually. If I have to eat in front of anyone else and I know about it ahead of time it’s major anxiety time.

Restaurants are pretty much my worst nightmare to be honest, I can’t imagine how sick my girlfriend probably is of asking for ‘a quiet table in the back please’ every time we go out to eat. I can’t begin to imagine how many restaurants I’ve had to leave because of there being ‘too many people’ and of course my brain loves to trick me into thinking that everyone in the place is staring at me and judging me when in actuality they’re just trying to enjoy their meal.

I hope I don’t sound too self absorbed because I know they aren’t really looking at me and I know no one cares whether I’m there or not to be honest but I can’t control it.

This is all on an average to bad day though, on a good day I’ll be able to go in a restaurant or eat in front of other people, I’ll still be cautious of how much I’m eating and how I look when I’m eating but I’ll be a little more comfortable, and I might even be able to order for myself if I’m feeling extra specially comfortable.

I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank the gods for apps that allow you to order food, especially in restaurants. You’ve made my life so much easier and I know you did it just for me.

I feel like this post has been a little bit rambley and maybe I’ve missed the point I was trying to make but I’ve tried 😂.

Anyway today is going to be a good day!

Thank for reading x

Let’s get this show on the road… (an introduction?)

okay so I’ve decided to try and blog, it probably won’t go too well because  I get super embarrassed reading anything I write but it’s worth a go.

I guess I should introduce myself just incase anyone actually reads this. I’m Tasha (actually Natasha but no one ever calls me that really), I’m 20 (21 next week!), I’ve just moved house for the second time this year and I have two cats.

I’ve also recently been diagnosed as autistic.

One of the main reasons I decided to start blogging is so that I have somewhere that I can talk about my feelings, particularly about this recent diagnosis, because I’ve been having a hard time figuring out how I feel. Shocking, I know. At the moment I’m not really liking it, I spent the majority of my teenage years thinking I had a mental illness that could be made better by pills or some counselling and now I’ve been told that the reason I’m the way I am is because I’m on the spectrum. It’s good in the sense that I have a diagnosis so I can get the help I need however there’s no quick fix to make my life easy and that’s all I really want I think is an easy life. I have got mental health problems on top of this, like many people on the spectrum, however due to being autistic I’m just a little too ‘complex’ for your regular “and how does that make you feel?” Counselling unfortunately so I’m currently in about twenty different waiting lists. I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m being a negative nancy because my life is so much better than it was this time last year and I’m really grateful for all of the help I’ve received I just wish everything wasn’t so hard but they do say life is hard don’t they? I wonder who they are, I bet they weren’t autistic.

Anyway today I watched a documentary on Netflix called Kingdom of us (highly recommend it! You’ll cry like a baby) it was about a family with seven children, six of whom are autistic, and how they cope with the death of their father. It was a tough watch but so worth it! It really made me think about a lot of different things, mainly how I’ve dealt with my diagnosis as well as how I deal with loss. The answer to both of those is not very well. I tend to just avoid anything that makes me uncomfortable or just refuse to face it.

My biggest fear is of the unknown, probably mostly of dying since there’s no way to know what happens after we die. My second biggest fear is spiders, or maybe just creepy crawlies in general. I hate being alone a lot of the time but it’s definitely made ten times worse by a huge eight legged beast taking up residence on my bedroom wall and not even offering to contribute to my council tax.

I’m going to try and be as honest as possible on here and hopefully people will read it or maybe hopefully they won’t. I’m not sure what I want to gain from this yet.

Basically to summarise this post:

  • I generally have no idea what I’m doing
  • My life is a mess
  • I can’t keep a diary because I’ll read it and cringe as soon as I write it
  • So here I am
  • Thanks for reading